Who's Afraid of Cleo's Chadification?

#CleosChadification #1

When I was twelve, I was enrolled in swim lessons at the local rec centre.

The rec centre was a relic of the past, and instead of lockers, the women’s change room had a little booth where numbered baskets lined the shelves. A lady sat inside this booth, reading a book and distributing baskets to people.

And, sometimes, when I would chicken out on my swim lessons, she’d spend approximately 45 minutes chatting with me.

THIS IS HOW IT WOULD GO:

I would walk into that changing room, determined to swim. I would very bravely put on my tankini.

Then, I would walk past the showers and crack open the door to the pool, where I would see all the people….

That’s when I would walk back over to the basket lady. I’d sit and chat with her until it was time to walk home.

I’d hit the showers before leaving to make it look like I had swum, and I’d do it before the girls from my swim group returned.

The basket lady most definitely knew all about my little charade, but she never said anything. You have to be a really good person in order to get a job like that because public changing rooms are some of the most vulnerable places on Earth.

Being chubby has been part of my deal for as long as I can remember.

And when you grow up a little larger than your peers and have a mother whose idea of honesty borders cruelty, some things are just a little scarier for you. Sports and public changing rooms and the kids at the pool are just a few of those things.

But, I’m finding now, that when you let yourself sit idle in public changing rooms for too long, you grow so restless that you don’t just walk, but you ignore all the fear-mongering signs, and you run out onto the pool area, and you dive into the pool, and you take your top off because, now, you’re 22.

Your deal is kind of different now.

At first, I assumed my intention with this whole #Chadification thing was to get thin. I see now that it’s more than that. There is so much I want to do and be.

I want to become someone who knows how to maneuver their body with poise and ease and confidence.

I want to explore interests and potential hobbies.

I want to be someone who practices ballet and knows how to tap dance.

I want to be at an honest-to-God gym doing weight-lifting…. or power-lifting?….. I don’t know all the details and jargon right now, but I’ll figure it out. I’m smart and truly very strong! I once moved a massive couch into my apartment on my own. And then I moved it out on my own!

I want to hold my own in a bougie spin class full of 10s.

I want to do Pilates and yoga. I am kind of insanely flexible. I can do the splits! I should honour that.

I really don’t want to do “ultimate frisbee,” but the series is called #Chadification, so I need at least one “real sport” and a couple of masculine activities under my belt.

I have underestimated my body for far too long. I have underestimated myself for far too long.

I am capable of so much. I always have been. I just know it now.

I am so excited to see what I do and who I become.

If you’re reading this, I hope you’re excited, too. And I hope you’ll join me (Cleo) as I undergo Chadification.

P.S. — This series won’t always be so #inspirational. Doing things is always messier than the heartful self-reflections and pep talks.

But this is a nice place to start.

I’ll come back to this whenever things go wrong…. because, believe you me, things go wrong.

It’s cool, though, because embarrassment, stress, shame, etc., can really get your heart rate up!